Category / #IWillBeOkay

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Heart-to-Heart: How I Learned To Be In Peace With My Depression

How I Learned to be in Peace With My Depression
How I learned to be in peace with my depression is probably not the best title for what I’m about to say in this post but in a way I sorta am going to tell you how I accepted my depression, brave through the storm again and again. As I’m sitting here writing this down, I won’t lie to you saying I didn’t thought of ending my life here and now. In the past few weeks the suicidal thoughts are strong. I have never felt like this since my first wave back in 2015. This time I’m defeated and I don’t know what I can do to brave through it like I did before.

I’m always honest about my battle with depression and how I feel about it. Depression is beautiful. This still stands. It is only beautiful once you accepted it and understand it. Despite how awful depression makes me feel everyday, I still think it’s beautiful and God has bigger plan for me.

Depression is not just a blank, it has all kinds of intelligent things happening within it … Depression is an unsatisfied state of mind in which you feel that you have no outlet. So work with the dissatisfaction of that depression … It has all kinds of answers in it, but the answers are hidden. – Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche


Unsatisfied state of mind

I’m angry with myself for this because what Chogyam said was true. I’m angry that I’m raising awareness on depression, telling people to love themselves more but here I am, self-loathing like there’s no tomorrow. I failed to educate myself. I start to understand what Chogyam said now. When something is unresolved, we keep going back to it again and again, thinking about why. It is only you resolve the issue then slowly the depression leaves. What I’m going through in my life now that causes the depression doesn’t have any resolution. I just have to go through it no matter what. That is why it makes the healing process slower and harder for me this time around.

I know most people are angry at depression. I’m never angry at depression. I only feel sad because the mind work that I’ve been working on so hard has all gone down the drain. It doesn’t matter how high my IQ or EQ are. When depression hits, I am back to square one.

The wisdom behind having depression is that you see some things clearly. I question the purpose of me in the life. I tried to change a certain part of my life each time depression hit. But the downside about questioning your life is that when you can’t find the purpose of you in this world, that’s when the suicidal thought came. I have thought of a 101 ways to end my life. I even dream about it.

Have I truly accepted my depression yet? I thought I did. Now I know it’s not fully. My experience with depression in the current wave is so much different than what I’ve been through before. Sometimes I breeze through it in a day, sometimes a week but no matter how long it takes, I always feel better and well. It has nearly come to a month and I’m still feeling hopeless. This time depression hits me hard. I’m allowing myself to dwell and heal. It doesn’t matter who I am. I am where I am now. Back to where I was, questioning about me, life and everything else.

I have come to make peace with my depression because that fella will stay no matter I like it or not. Although I know exactly what to do when the wave come but I am still a human afterall and sometimes I fail to do what I needed to do.

So this is me, accepting my depression, acknowledging it. Because it is only through acceptance that I am able to heal.

This is also me, announcing that I will be on a hiatus from Street Love. If you see an update on Facebook that means I’m back. Until then I am taking some time off to storm through the current depression wave. I can’t promise you that I’ll be back stronger. But I can promise you I’ll be back. That’s for sure.

Stay beautiful Street Lovers ❤ xoxo


#IWillBeOkay Info

Heart-to-Heart: How Depression Changes Me

How Depression Changes Me
I stumbled upon this article yesterday on the odd habits people with depression has. And it rings a bell.

I’ve always tried to explain to people how our world changes once we had depression. Our world is not the same as yours. Our world changes in a split second compared to yours. When I read the article yesterday, I’m not proud to say I am every single one of them. But to me depression is a beautiful thing once you understand it. Depression changes me in so many ways. And it changed me to be a better person than I was before. It makes me understand myself more than before. As I’m writing this 8.17am, I just woke up from a long sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well for the past weeks. I took some medication yesterday for anxiety and that knocked me out from 10pm the night before. I thought I would quickly jump in here to talk about what I read and how it relate to me.

#IWillBeOkay Info

Losing Weight

Losing Weight
Recently I have been told I’ve lost weight. Contrary, I felt that I’ve gain weight. The thing is, I slipped back into depression and I didn’t even know it. I mean the symptoms are there. I’m just avoiding it. I guess my friends know me better.

My heart rate has been extremely high. I suspected that my Hyperthyroidism is back. I scheduled for a blood test 2 weeks ago and the result came back confirming that Hyperthyroidism is indeed back. And bad. My hormone levels are double of the danger line. I’m put to 6 tablets of Camazol per day. Slightly better than when I first got it, which was 8 tablets of Propyl with a full tablet for heart condition. This time the doctor didn’t gave me any heart medication and I find myself suffocating with my hard heart beat.

#IWillBeOkay Caudalie Clarins Dr. Brandt Estée Lauder Foreo Info L'Occitane L'Oréal Murad Neal's Yard Remedies REN Trilogy

Breakout Skincare Routine

Breakout Skincare Routine Full
Recently I had a bad breakout. I’m still breaking out till to this day, can you believe it? This has got to be my longest, most miserable breakout of all these years. So I took a drastic change with my skincare routine. Because I have not had breakout like this for years, I was actually clueless as to what to do.

The first thing I did was to stop everything I was using and re-plan my new skincare routine. The key is to go back to basic. But what? I start from the cleanser and move upwards. And these are what I had come out with.

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Heart-to-Heart: Living With Depression

Living With Depression
10th October was World Mental Health Day. I posted something on my Instagram a day before that but I have been quiet about it here. I’m raising public awareness on mental health especially on depression through #IWillBeOkay ‘Fight Against Depression’ Awareness Campaign and I find it odd that I’ve been quiet about this important day.
Reason being, I fell back in depression.

I thought I had recovered. I haven’t fall into the depression hole since March 2017. I was happy, extremely happy. I was surrounded by good friends, I was busy with work. I was happy. Genuinely happy. But I was having anxiety attacks that I’m not even aware of. I remember my birthday 29th September just last week that I was out celebrating with friends. Everything was OK up until one point of time I shut down and needed to leave immediately. It is only the next day I realized that I had anxiety attack. I haven’t had any anxiety or panic attacks for quite a while so I didn’t realize that I was having one. That explains the need to get away from the place, situation and people asap. Most people are curious but never dare to ask me about life living with depression. I guess what they are curious are, how do you get on life with depression.

#IWillBeOkay Beauty Box Review Charity Love Face

Love Face X #IWillBeOkay: Now Open For Purchase

Love Face X IWillBeOkay 1
Surpriseeeee! Maybe not 😛 . I mean, you already know I am launching this limited Love Face X #IWillBeOkay collaboration box ever since I mentioned it on my Instagram. I wanted to have another beauty bag/box after the last beauty bag for campaign #2 and I know planning for one would take 3-6 months time so I asked Love Face if they would collaborate with me and it’s a YES. If you’re still wondering who and what is Love Face, you may read all about them at this post, which I’ve written not long ago. Basically Love Face is the one and only website focusing on all Taiwanese beauty brands. Their main focus is sheet mask and so our collaboration is a box full with sheet masks from Taiwan.