How I learned to be in peace with my depression is probably not the best title for what I’m about to say in this post but in a way I sorta am going to tell you how I accepted my depression, brave through the storm again and again. As I’m sitting here writing this down, I won’t lie to you saying I didn’t thought of ending my life here and now. In the past few weeks the suicidal thoughts are strong. I have never felt like this since my first wave back in 2015. This time I’m defeated and I don’t know what I can do to brave through it like I did before.
I’m always honest about my battle with depression and how I feel about it. Depression is beautiful. This still stands. It is only beautiful once you accepted it and understand it. Despite how awful depression makes me feel everyday, I still think it’s beautiful and God has bigger plan for me.
Depression is not just a blank, it has all kinds of intelligent things happening within it … Depression is an unsatisfied state of mind in which you feel that you have no outlet. So work with the dissatisfaction of that depression … It has all kinds of answers in it, but the answers are hidden. – Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Unsatisfied state of mind
I’m angry with myself for this because what Chogyam said was true. I’m angry that I’m raising awareness on depression, telling people to love themselves more but here I am, self-loathing like there’s no tomorrow. I failed to educate myself. I start to understand what Chogyam said now. When something is unresolved, we keep going back to it again and again, thinking about why. It is only you resolve the issue then slowly the depression leaves. What I’m going through in my life now that causes the depression doesn’t have any resolution. I just have to go through it no matter what. That is why it makes the healing process slower and harder for me this time around.
I know most people are angry at depression. I’m never angry at depression. I only feel sad because the mind work that I’ve been working on so hard has all gone down the drain. It doesn’t matter how high my IQ or EQ are. When depression hits, I am back to square one.
The wisdom behind having depression is that you see some things clearly. I question the purpose of me in the life. I tried to change a certain part of my life each time depression hit. But the downside about questioning your life is that when you can’t find the purpose of you in this world, that’s when the suicidal thought came. I have thought of a 101 ways to end my life. I even dream about it.
Have I truly accepted my depression yet? I thought I did. Now I know it’s not fully. My experience with depression in the current wave is so much different than what I’ve been through before. Sometimes I breeze through it in a day, sometimes a week but no matter how long it takes, I always feel better and well. It has nearly come to a month and I’m still feeling hopeless. This time depression hits me hard. I’m allowing myself to dwell and heal. It doesn’t matter who I am. I am where I am now. Back to where I was, questioning about me, life and everything else.
I have come to make peace with my depression because that fella will stay no matter I like it or not. Although I know exactly what to do when the wave come but I am still a human afterall and sometimes I fail to do what I needed to do.
So this is me, accepting my depression, acknowledging it. Because it is only through acceptance that I am able to heal.
This is also me, announcing that I will be on a hiatus from Street Love. If you see an update on Facebook that means I’m back. Until then I am taking some time off to storm through the current depression wave. I can’t promise you that I’ll be back stronger. But I can promise you I’ll be back. That’s for sure.
Stay beautiful Street Lovers ❤ xoxo
Hi Fiona, this is such a bold sharing. I have no words to comfort you now as I can’t fully identify with what you are going through now. But I pray and hope that you will brace through this storm again and emerge stronger and tougher. Appreciate your life and the people around you. Hope that you have a good restful break and I’m looking forward for your return!
Thank you Esther. I hope a break from the blog and everything enables me to focus on the healing process. I will be back soon xoxo
Dear, feel so sad to read through the post and I can feel you deep. Depression do hit me since last year after I force to move out from my comfort zone in work. I encountered gastric and colon infection which need to take medication for 3 months, and when it come to the end, it follow with undergo surgery to remove my uterus polyps for the 3rd time, and I have to start the hormone medication again until now. 2016 is a panic year for me, I cried and suffered a lots, but luckily this year, I have start to accept the depression and face it. I am a fan of BTS, and their songs do impressed and support me a lots! Please don’t lost hope and believe in yourself that the good time will be coming soon. Let’s fighting together dear! Love you always!
Hi Citrine, no words can describe how I feel about what you’ve been through. Compared to yours, what I’m going through is just a peanut although I do understand I can’t control what goes inside my mind. You are such a brave, strong and inspiring woman. I have nothing but all the best wishes for you. I’m so glad to hear you are better now. I don’t have a good 2016 myself. I spent the entire year battling with depression. Now I’m spending the last quarter of 2017 battling depression.
Thank you so much for the love and support. I really appreciate it. Yes, let’s fight together. Together we are much stronger xoxo
Truly can relate what you are going through.
Will not tell you to ‘stay strong, bla bla bla’, cause those words only serve to bring more harm than good.
But know that we’re all pulling for you (and for ourselves), okay?
Take care and we love you loads!
I will. Will be back dear. Thanks for the non-stop words of encouragement. I’m happy to have you as my friend. *Hugs*
I miss you so much, Fiona.
Miss reading your blogs and all your updates.
I hope you’re happy at the other side, where there’s no more pain and no more sadness.
Love you loads, my dear…
Hi Fiona, hugs! Sincerely wish that you get well stronger and don’t let depression get the better of you! You are such a beautiful person inside and out! Hope to hear from you soon!
Thank you Gail. You’re always supportive and I appreciate it <3 . I’m trying hard to get through this one. It’s harder this time around. I just need some time to figure it out. I’ll be back soon!