2015, what a year for me.
As usual at this time of the year end, everyone in the blogosphere will be reflecting their life for the past one year, resolution for the next year as well as what they hope or expect for the following year. My last year in review was 2013. I wanted to do one for 2014 but I was not inspired to reveal my 2014 so I skipped it. Just yesterday I had the sudden thoughts to tell you all about my 2015. It has been a challenging year for me. Not what I expected but it is what it is.
I battled with depression. I’m still battling with depression. It is a topic not many will talk about. I do not talk about it as I did not even know I had depression. Let me rephrase that. I did not even know I am in a severe depression. I am able to tell you about it now that I am feeling 30% better compared to the me 3 months ago.
BuzzFeed wrote an article titled 19 Things People Living With Depression Want You To Know 2 weeks ago and that pretty much sums up everything on the surface about depression. I was moved to reblog the same article to Modern Mavens (which I still will) but later on thought I want to share it on my main site Street Love first.
How it all happened
It all happened after I broke up with my soul mate. It was hard on me. I have known him for 10 years. We seldom see other due to busy work schedule and I admit, I do not like him very much at first. He spent the last 10 years trying to make me like him, love him. This year April the magazine I worked for closed down. That is when I started Modern Mavens. I started Modern Mavens because (1) I got tired of working for companies that could not afford to pay me, (2) companies that keep owing me money, (3) bad management, (4) bad boss, (5) closed down. The second reason behind it was so that I get to know him better, spend more time with him, and travel with him since he is constantly traveling. That was our plan. It all started good. I responded to his Whatsapp messages (because I was free, I don’t last time) and we got closer. I got to know him more than before. The feelings we had for each other became stronger and stronger as we spent hella lots of time filling each other with our hourly updates. My life from the minute I opened my eyes started with him and ended with him. We talk A LOT. My daily routine evolves around him. We saw the relationship evolves into something greater and it was the best time ever. When I finally love someone so much and how my daily routine are all about him and I lost that, I WAS LOST.
I was also having loads of stress from overworking myself with Street Love and Modern Mavens. I was churning out 3 articles for Modern Mavens daily and one review every alternate days for Street Love. Adding on top of that are events that I need to get myself to, meetings, PRs, answering lots of email enquiries, and unexpected stress from other people on how I should run Modern Mavens. I know my friends and contacts are concern about me and they are trying to help but stressing me over and over again on how I should run my own business or how I should call this Datuk, meet this Datuk or Datin, have coffee with this YB etc just does not make any sense to me. How would meeting and having a chat with all the so-called Datuk/Datin/YB/socialite/etc would help Modern Mavens? Is that some kind of magic? You have no idea how stressful it is to get minimum of 10 calls a day explaining about Modern Mavens politely and I was forced to listen to all the crap on the phone on how they think I should run my own business because I do not want to hurt their feelings by telling them off. I WAS AT THE VERGE OF SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN.
The first obvious symptoms is that I lost the ability to sleep. It felt as if I had 20 cups of coffee that I was awake the whole night. It dragged on for close to 3 months. I also lost all my appetite. I would make some excuses to go out so that I do not have to eat. I did not want my mom to be be worried that I was not eating. I lost 4kg of weight within the first 4-5 days. I thought that was normal for someone who just ended a relationship. But for some reason deep down inside me I knew I was not OK.
When the sun comes out, I would ask myself why am I still here. I was dreadful of the next day. I have no idea what to do, where to go, what to do with my life, how to pass the time, and so on. I have never been so lost before. I have never been so afraid. That is when I wanted a way out. I WANT TO DIE. Every day I think of a way to do it. I know dying is not hard but I was also afraid of pain and death altogether so I was constantly thinking of how to die. I do not think of my family, I do not think of my friends, and I do no think of my parents. I WAS READY TO GO. That is how lost I was.
I JUST WANT A WAY OUT. I remember every time someone ask me how am I, I would reply I want to die so badly. I would tell them how much I wish I was dead. Are they shocked? Yes. Very much shocked to hear that from me as everyone thought I am the most positive and the strongest girl. I used to be. Now I am not. People need to realize that I am just a normal person with flesh and blood. I was broken on the inside and I do not know how to mend it.
I would force myself to get out of the bed every morning so that my mom do not suspect that something was wrong with me. Going out does not help. I force myself to go to events because I have not found a way to die yet so I told myself the show must go on. Most of the time I was in a vegetating state. Going for the sake of going, talking for the sake of talking, meeting people for the sake of meeting. If there is one person dealing with depression but able to pretend that everything is all good in front of friends and family, that would be me. I do not know how I’m able to do that and sometimes I’m amazed at my slightest ability to be even able to do so but I got to do what I got to do to stop everyone from worrying about me. Where did I find the strength to do that? I have no idea. I only know I would cry so hard after that because I just want to die.
I had lots of anxiety attacks. I would go out to events so that I would not think too much but when I am surrounded by people, I want to go home. I cannot stand being surrounded by people. I froze. I stopped talking to people. I would even force myself to go out by myself. Which ended up worse. I would broke down crying in the middle of the mall or street. I have no idea what was going on or why. I just did what I did. I realized I have absolutely no control of what happened. It was as if a satan had taken over my body. Do I feel like I was going crazy? Yes. I even consider checking myself to a psych hospital. That was how messed up my mind was. I would cry so much at random places and at random time. I cried when I’m driving for no reason. I would even burst into tears while talking to someone.
A way out
I lost interest in everything and that includes my love for beauty, blogging, shopping, meeting friends for coffee, hanging out with friends, business, running. Basically everything that I used to love doing, I no longer find the interest in doing it. Not even beauty. I HAVE GIVEN UP ON MY LIFE. Everything I see was dark and grey. Clear blue skies with fluffy marshmallow clouds no longer makes me happy like how it used to. To me it was dull and grey. Just like my life. So far there are only 2 person who knew what happened. A blogger friend who I shall not name here and an ex-Motor Trader client of mine turned friend who knew every bits and pieces of what happened from the beginning till to date. This guy friend is also one of my suicidal prevent team, as I called it. He text everyday and call whenever needed to make sure I am in the right state of mind. He do not call me everyday as he knew I was not in the mood to talk on the phone. There was once he sense that I was about to end my life and he immediately called me. I WAS THIS CLOSE. I was ready to go. I see my life reflects in front of me. I guess that was normal. I was ready to let go of my babies – Street Love and Modern Mavens. I was more than ready to end everything.
In a recent Modern Mavens Midnight Musing article, I talk about the time I wrote Two Letters. That was not a fictional story. It was real. I had written 2 letters, one to this blogger friend and another letter to him. It was this guy friend who woke me up. He keep tracks of Street Love and Modern Mavens to gauge on my state. It was also because of him telling me I have depression that I found out I really do suffer from depression. So that explains the inability to control my mind, body, and all the suicidal thoughts. Now that I think back, I have no regrets picking up that knife. I was in lots of pain that no one will ever understand. I am ready to let go of everything and moved on to the other life. I was looking forward to leave. I COULD NOT TAKE THE PAIN ANYMORE.
Road to recovery
People said to me how stupid it is to want to end my life for a man. You do not understand. IT IS NOT because of a man, not because of the relationship BUT IT IS THE PAIN. The unbearable pain. The pain overtook the visual of the man and the relationship. I am at the age where everything I feel will be intense on me. I understood the pain more than when I was 17 years old. The pain is unbearable. I feel the sharp pain right in the heart every single second. It was the lostness that I could not cope with as well. I was lost with my life. I do not know what to do next or where to go next. The pain I was feeling makes everything worse. People with depression cannot control how they feel or think. I have a friend who suffered from severe depression and she told me she cannot even speak a whole sentence out. I did not know how that was at first until one day I find myself unable to speak properly.
How I managed to climb out of depression was a miracle. I was so deep in the depression hole that I knew I would not be able to climb out. This, I have to thank an entrepreneur friend who is oblivious of what I was going through and he is constantly contacting me and gave me projects to handle. It is also due to these projects on hand that my mind was occupied. I got busy and slowly the suicidal thoughts gotten lesser and lesser. I cannot say I am completely out but I am better. I still cry, I am still in vegetating state, I am still mourning but I am better.
Slipping back into depression
Just when I thought I was happier and better, I restarted my love for running by getting myself to the AWAM White Ribbon Run 2015 on the 22nd November for Modern Mavens. I went as media this time. Before that I have not been running for 2 months. I was supposed to run together with Kelly but she could not wake up on time so I have to run myself. It is also because of this run that I fell back into depression. I was alone and my mind had him all over. Running reminds me a great deal of him. It is also because of him I developed my love for running. I was feeling uneasy after the event when I got home. I knew it is coming back. I texted my guy friend and told him that I think I am slipping into depression. After that I keep slipping into depression. The last one was a few days ago, on Christmas eve. How or why? I have no idea. It just happened. Because I keep slipping back into depression, I am more conscious of my condition and deal with it. I would spend the whole day on bed. I could not get up. All I want to do is to be on the bed until I got better.
Worse advice ever
I am grateful to have a bunch of friends, PR friends, friends from beauty brands who never stop contacting me and checking on me. To be honest, I could not absorb any of the advice given to me. I was so ready to leave this world that every word fed to me was shrugged off. The best advice is not to give advice on anything as people with depression need to find their own way out. All you can do is to be by their side. No words needed. Just the support and make sure they knew there are people there by their side supporting them. Do not tell them time will heals, do not tell them to go for another relationship as that is a complete bullshit (sorry guys), and do not tell them God has other plan for them. It will not make any sense to people with depression. Trust me, it does not.
Why am I sharing this?
Before this I have no idea depression can be so serious. Most of my friend told me they had depression. Or maybe they think they have. One will never knew what is it like to be in a depression until they went through the black hole themself. Some think it is a private topic. I have always been open in Street Love and I have always been sharing my experience regardless beauty, automotive, career, and so on to help others. By sharing my personal experience here, I hope anyone that went through the same know that you are not alone. You need to understand that others might not be able to help you to get through it as you yourself need to climb out from the hole yourself. In my case I have almost 50 people helping me but none of them works. None of them make sense to me. I also knew at that time that no one can help me but myself. I was THIS close to end my life. Do I regret it? No. I still wish I stop breathing. I still wish I was dead. I am not completely healed yet but I’m getting there. It will be a long painful and dreadful process. I know my suicidal prevention team members is on standby.